Today is Valentine’s Day, and I imagine most of you have relationships. If not, that’s understandable; I’ve been married to my 5th husband, Geoerge, for 2 years and it’s been the worst decision of my life. As you may have guessed, I am an expert on love, a karate master who has been through four divorces, so I find that the only way to share my 36 years of lovin’ is to guide the youngsters on their own spiritual quests to find (or fix) their love. I’ll answer a few questions from those troubled souls who need some advice from their old Aunt Vicki, and hope they take my advice to heart.

The first question comes from one Matthew N.:

“Dear Vicki Valentine, my girlfriend been’s dropping hints that she wants something for Valentine’s Day. How do I figure out what to get her?”

I’ll tell you what I told my 2nd husband after I had an affair with him: communication is key. You gotta talk to your girlfriend, and ask her this exact question: “What do you want for your birthday?” You may be thinking “Vicki, that’s the worst advice I ever heard, why would I ask about her birthday on Valentine’s?” The first little answer to that is to never question my advice ever again. The second is that I have a reason for the whole birthday thing: she won’t suspect you’re getting her something for Valentine’s Day, you’ll know exactly what to get her, and you’ll have ideas for her actual birthday.

Or you could just get her a giant stuffed bear. Girls love giant stuffed bears.

This second question is from Alyssa T:

“Dear Vicki Valentine, my relationship doesn’t have the same spark of love that it used to have. What can I do to bring back life into it?”

Now I’m well-acquainted with losing the spark of love that this question’s talking about. Every single time it happened, I had one common mistake that I think a lot of people make: I believed that the relationship was still salvageable. It took me two weeks to realize that it just wasn’t working out with my 1st husband, Gilbert, so you gotta cut them off ASAP. Fixing the relationship is basically impossible at the two-week mark, so I don’t think your partner is gonna hate you too much if you just state outright that you don’t wanna date them anymore after like 3 minutes of lacking the spark of love.

Next up, third question is from an Emmett C.:

“Dear Vicki Valentine, my boyfriend is always like ‘Wanna play some video games?’ and ‘Hey, can we go on a date?’ and ‘Can we do something for once?’ He constantly bothers me about it; what do I do?”

My answer to this is simple: just ignore him. If he wants your attention, he’s gotta work for it, and begging someone for their attention ain’t gonna cut it, sweetie. My 59th boyfriend was exactly like this, and that’s why I dumped him like hot trash.

Lastly, the fourth question is from McKenzie T.:

“Dear Vicki Valentine, my wedding is next week and I have never been so anxious in my life. Anything you would recommend to calm down and get ready for that big day?”

I was told by an old friend of mine that in order to relieve the stress in life, I had to do one of two things: get rid of the source of my anxiety, or buy her essential oils. You may not know an essential oils seller, so that leaves only one option for you: cancel the wedding and just hope that you two are both fine with being engaged forever. Alternatively, you could just hire something to pretend to be you for the wedding, and just not show up. Everybody loves the age-old tradition of wife-doppelganging.

Anyways, I hope that all this gabbing has helped somebody out there. Valentine’s Day can be very chaotic and crazy, so I always try to help people figure that mess out with my spectacular advice. Even if none of this applies to you, always remember that Valentine’s Day is about one thing: the gifts you get. Love is just a bonus, or whatever. Now, back to harassing Geoerge about watching too many sports.